Heh... so I am obviously totally committed to keep up with this blog posting something everyday. Well, I guess if nothing else, I did just miss one day out of three and I am just beginning, so I guess I could and maybe even should cut myself a little slack. Anywho, I guess the main thing was that I decided to move my office back upstairs, and recognized that in order for me not to destroy the new paint job done to the stairway, I was going to need a little help getting the bigger items up the stairs. I also noticed that I would need to steam clean the floor before settling in that room, so figured I'd ask for both from my close friends, knowing that there was a possibility that they couldn't or wouldn't want to. It was already 5pm by then, so it was pretty unrealistic to think there was a chance they'd be available right then, but I thought they could counter my request with a time that better suited them. And that was precisely what happened.

Of course, I know this seems so utterly simple and basic, and really I know that it is, but I also recognize that I need to practice making requests, asking for help, asserting my personal thoughts and feelings in order to break free from this cycle of self-hate, and even start to consider developing a personal self-esteem which regards me as more than dirt. I know that it will likely take a good long while, but am intending to follow through as best I can, hopefully with help from this blog tracking my progress and thoughts. Again, I recognize that this may well be the stupidest thing I've done in a long time, posting such deep and personal thoughts, discussions and issues for anyone to chance upon and read. Oh well, I guess I've done much stupider stuff, and figure at the least the potential benefit to this outweighs the risk that this gets used with ill-intent.

Anyway, I still struggle getting a whole lot done without much struggle and strife, far more than what should happen. I understand that this hesitation is self created by my in-ability to simply limit myself and assume the general risk that I am human and not everything will happen right the first time. I also have a tendency to not consider that I can ask for advice or help when I find myself conflicted. Then, there is also the path I often choose where rather than taking care of the issues, I simply brush it off claiming I am too tired. It is in this action that I worsen the problem by not just ignoring it, but also make it harder for me to later keep pace in a similar manner to quitting endurance training before a race. So, at this time, I find myself trying to stretch myself back up to the level I reached some years back before my last drop into the depression pool I find myself in. Hard to believe it's been nearly five years since I leapt into that murky mess. Oh well, often times the best things take more time to develop and grow. Time to go out there and continue my progress.