End the year on a high note.

Well, it was certainly my every intention to do as my title suggests, but I guess that is really the whole reason we all go out and party every New Year's Eve. We have that drive that wants to make things better than they were in the past, so for some reason our natural thought is to go out with friends, hang out with the family, maybe even cram the last few items we'd intended on accomplishing the rest of the year into that evening. Sounds like an invitation for failure, but I am guilty of doing it just like the rest.

So, what did I do? Stayed at home, worked on a new project (laptop stand), ate copious amounts of bean dip and chips, and decided to have a cappuccino packet spiked with Vodka. Yeah, that last bit was really the kicker; I know that I had that coffee liquor mix mostly out of frustration that I have a limited time before I get to go back to my duties as a slave monkey at work. Don't get me wrong, I like what I do, I just don't like the fact that I am likely looking at probation because my second level boss doesn't think I do enough. Doesn't help that every year he has to hand out so many "poor" performance marks, and when I don't spend any time "promoting" every little accomplishment I make, I look like a slacker. Ugh, anyway, enough of that. I certainly regret that decision, but I guess we all do plenty that we regret, miss enough opportunity to better ourselves and our situation and that is what that last hurrah is about at the end of the year.

Basically, I wasn't able to hang out with friends this year, tried to do something that I can mark as an accomplishment for 2013, and instead worked on a project avoiding setting up my office, didn't exactly eat healthily, then added caffeine and liquor to the mix. This basically meant I was up a bit later than I intended just reflecting on the past year, even the past day, and all the ways I went wrong. To be fair, this is the type of thinking that is habit for me, so I was simply following well established patterns, sitting in the groove rather than holding myself up and out of those ruts and learning new methods of thinking. Well, I guess that is now the challenge and goal for 2014, right?

Anywho, I don't need to start on that path today, since it will certainly keep me from making progress on my goals. One small achievement, I did finish my mom's Christmas present and send it off to her yesterday. It definitely took longer than I expected and involved more effort than I originally anticipated, though I realize that is pretty often the case with new creations, so I digress. At least I finished it and sent it off to be scrutinized, analyzed, appreciated or whatever the response becomes. I have a hard time finishing projects through once I run into a snag, since I tend to exaggerate the error into a uncompromising failure preventing me from attempting to mitigate and continue forward. Take my damn dog door project as an example; I have hung the doors, know just what I want to do to finish everything up, but once I tried to follow a simple instructible online and failed to get the same results with the transistor, pretty much have stopped doing anything more to finish what I started. I've been working on this project for well over a year, and feel pretty pathetic being so unable to complete everything and get the results I hoped for... but, I do have to recognize that it's quite the undertaking and I have been unwilling to give myself the time and resources to really get anywhere on the entire venture. I am going to see what I can do focusing on all of these facts, understanding the fundamental lesson I seek with not just this project, but my life moving into the new year, and will hopefully have plenty of progress to post about here... the main intent behind this blog. Here's to 2014, a new method of thinking, acting, and doing!

Heh... so I am obviously totally committed to keep up with this blog posting something everyday. Well, I guess if nothing else, I did just miss one day out of three and I am just beginning, so I guess I could and maybe even should cut myself a little slack. Anywho, I guess the main thing was that I decided to move my office back upstairs, and recognized that in order for me not to destroy the new paint job done to the stairway, I was going to need a little help getting the bigger items up the stairs. I also noticed that I would need to steam clean the floor before settling in that room, so figured I'd ask for both from my close friends, knowing that there was a possibility that they couldn't or wouldn't want to. It was already 5pm by then, so it was pretty unrealistic to think there was a chance they'd be available right then, but I thought they could counter my request with a time that better suited them. And that was precisely what happened.

Of course, I know this seems so utterly simple and basic, and really I know that it is, but I also recognize that I need to practice making requests, asking for help, asserting my personal thoughts and feelings in order to break free from this cycle of self-hate, and even start to consider developing a personal self-esteem which regards me as more than dirt. I know that it will likely take a good long while, but am intending to follow through as best I can, hopefully with help from this blog tracking my progress and thoughts. Again, I recognize that this may well be the stupidest thing I've done in a long time, posting such deep and personal thoughts, discussions and issues for anyone to chance upon and read. Oh well, I guess I've done much stupider stuff, and figure at the least the potential benefit to this outweighs the risk that this gets used with ill-intent.

Anyway, I still struggle getting a whole lot done without much struggle and strife, far more than what should happen. I understand that this hesitation is self created by my in-ability to simply limit myself and assume the general risk that I am human and not everything will happen right the first time. I also have a tendency to not consider that I can ask for advice or help when I find myself conflicted. Then, there is also the path I often choose where rather than taking care of the issues, I simply brush it off claiming I am too tired. It is in this action that I worsen the problem by not just ignoring it, but also make it harder for me to later keep pace in a similar manner to quitting endurance training before a race. So, at this time, I find myself trying to stretch myself back up to the level I reached some years back before my last drop into the depression pool I find myself in. Hard to believe it's been nearly five years since I leapt into that murky mess. Oh well, often times the best things take more time to develop and grow. Time to go out there and continue my progress.

Grain Test: Stepping-up for 2014

Hello and Good Morning,

Not sure how this will go, but I have made the decision to get into the blogging scene leading into the new year, hoping more than anything that it will help me straighten out my actions, thoughts and feelings into something which makes some sense. I've never run a blog before, and have little experience with blogs, so bear with me as I work through this little experiment. I doubt there will be much exposure, and am absolutely fine with that.

Anyhow, being the 27th of December, 2013, I am clearly caught in the yearly closure process, where we all spend a little time reflecting over the past and make plans for the upcoming year. Obviously, the connection with the pagan solstice celebration is unmistakable, and thus we follow the tide of nature with a death and rebirth of ourselves, adding yet another ring to our trunk of experience and looking forward with plans to do better in the upcoming growth cycle.

So, as the title might suggest, I will make strides to document reflections for the past year to build somewhat of a foundation to build upon over the next year. Whether I continue is still a question with the fates, but my intent is there, and as we all know, its just the intent that matters, right? Ha. In the past, I attempted to keep a journal of the events and happenings with limited success, so my thought was doing something online might just either make it easier to keep up with, or easier for me to quit following up with, so time will surely tell the story here.

It might also be a bad idea to make public current affairs in my life, however, I also have a tendency to keep everything so suppressed it does no one any good. I will struggle to follow through on this experiment, and hope to find an excellent compromise with my other duties allowing myself a chance to develop beyond the husk I currently am. Here's to new beginnings, better things, and a blog which I never would have imagined becoming part of my repertoire. Time to take Macie for a walk and focus on my pending assignments for this whole blog thingy.