Heh... so I am obviously totally committed to keep up with this blog posting something everyday. Well, I guess if nothing else, I did just miss one day out of three and I am just beginning, so I guess I could and maybe even should cut myself a little slack. Anywho, I guess the main thing was that I decided to move my office back upstairs, and recognized that in order for me not to destroy the new paint job done to the stairway, I was going to need a little help getting the bigger items up the stairs. I also noticed that I would need to steam clean the floor before settling in that room, so figured I'd ask for both from my close friends, knowing that there was a possibility that they couldn't or wouldn't want to. It was already 5pm by then, so it was pretty unrealistic to think there was a chance they'd be available right then, but I thought they could counter my request with a time that better suited them. And that was precisely what happened.

Of course, I know this seems so utterly simple and basic, and really I know that it is, but I also recognize that I need to practice making requests, asking for help, asserting my personal thoughts and feelings in order to break free from this cycle of self-hate, and even start to consider developing a personal self-esteem which regards me as more than dirt. I know that it will likely take a good long while, but am intending to follow through as best I can, hopefully with help from this blog tracking my progress and thoughts. Again, I recognize that this may well be the stupidest thing I've done in a long time, posting such deep and personal thoughts, discussions and issues for anyone to chance upon and read. Oh well, I guess I've done much stupider stuff, and figure at the least the potential benefit to this outweighs the risk that this gets used with ill-intent.

Anyway, I still struggle getting a whole lot done without much struggle and strife, far more than what should happen. I understand that this hesitation is self created by my in-ability to simply limit myself and assume the general risk that I am human and not everything will happen right the first time. I also have a tendency to not consider that I can ask for advice or help when I find myself conflicted. Then, there is also the path I often choose where rather than taking care of the issues, I simply brush it off claiming I am too tired. It is in this action that I worsen the problem by not just ignoring it, but also make it harder for me to later keep pace in a similar manner to quitting endurance training before a race. So, at this time, I find myself trying to stretch myself back up to the level I reached some years back before my last drop into the depression pool I find myself in. Hard to believe it's been nearly five years since I leapt into that murky mess. Oh well, often times the best things take more time to develop and grow. Time to go out there and continue my progress.

Grain Test: Stepping-up for 2014

Hello and Good Morning,

Not sure how this will go, but I have made the decision to get into the blogging scene leading into the new year, hoping more than anything that it will help me straighten out my actions, thoughts and feelings into something which makes some sense. I've never run a blog before, and have little experience with blogs, so bear with me as I work through this little experiment. I doubt there will be much exposure, and am absolutely fine with that.

Anyhow, being the 27th of December, 2013, I am clearly caught in the yearly closure process, where we all spend a little time reflecting over the past and make plans for the upcoming year. Obviously, the connection with the pagan solstice celebration is unmistakable, and thus we follow the tide of nature with a death and rebirth of ourselves, adding yet another ring to our trunk of experience and looking forward with plans to do better in the upcoming growth cycle.

So, as the title might suggest, I will make strides to document reflections for the past year to build somewhat of a foundation to build upon over the next year. Whether I continue is still a question with the fates, but my intent is there, and as we all know, its just the intent that matters, right? Ha. In the past, I attempted to keep a journal of the events and happenings with limited success, so my thought was doing something online might just either make it easier to keep up with, or easier for me to quit following up with, so time will surely tell the story here.

It might also be a bad idea to make public current affairs in my life, however, I also have a tendency to keep everything so suppressed it does no one any good. I will struggle to follow through on this experiment, and hope to find an excellent compromise with my other duties allowing myself a chance to develop beyond the husk I currently am. Here's to new beginnings, better things, and a blog which I never would have imagined becoming part of my repertoire. Time to take Macie for a walk and focus on my pending assignments for this whole blog thingy.